Hey guys, About two months later huh… I have no good reasons. Maybe because I have no one waiting for my posts. So didn’t have the motivation. Whatever but here I am back again. So today’s post would be a short summary of this amazing book “The Like Switch” by Jack Schafer
So I divided the topics into a few parts, hope you would like it. So let’s start with The F.P.D.I Formula (also known as Friendship Formula). So first of all what does FPDI stands for? FPDI means:
Frequency: How frequently you meet with a person?
Proximity: How physically close you are to a person?
Intensity: How emotionally close you are to a person? (How much good time you spend together)?
Duration: How long interactions between you and a person last?
FPDI can be measured on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the least and 10 being the best. Let me give you some examples if it’s not making sense.
If you have met someone once in your lifetime the frequency between you and him/her is 1. If you meet someone once a month your frequency is 3. If you meet with someone 1-2 times a week your frequency is 5. If you meet with someone 3-4 times a week your frequency is 7. If you meet with someone every day your frequency is 10.
If you live in a different city or country from a person then your proximity is 1. If you and a person go to the same gym then the proximity is 3. If you’re in the same class with a person then the proximity is 5. If you have food with a person on the same table the proximity is 7. And if you sleep on the same bed then the proximity is 10.
If your meeting with someone lasts a few seconds a day the duration is 1. If your meeting with someone lasts a few minutes the duration is 3. If it lasts 30-60 minutes duration is 5. If it lasts a few hours duration is 7. And if you spend most of your day with someone your duration would be 10.
Intensity tells how much emotional connection you have with someone. If you have no emotions while having a conversation with someone your intensity is 1. If you have a serious conversation with a few jokes then the intensity is 3. If you spending a good and happy time with a friend then the intensity is 5. During a conversation, if someone compliments you from the heart and it keeps smiling for a few days then the intensity is 7. If you feel a strong emotional connection with someone, you’re laughing with them, complementing each other, sharing deep feelings, etc then the intensity is 10.
Now since you have a basic idea of The FPDI Formula. Now let’s dive into the levels of friendship:
5 levels of Friendship
You see them almost every day. You might also know their name but you never interact with them. They can be in your class or workplace or maybe a passer-by. So most of the people around us are strangers to us. For obvious reasons, you don’t need any points to become a stranger to someone.
They’re similar to strangers the only difference is that you have interacted with them once or twice. But mostly Hi, Hello. You have acquaintance almost everywhere you go. They’re mostly friends of your friend. To become someone’s acquaintance you need in total 10 points.
Now the list narrows we have very few friends (Not Facebook friends). You spend a great time with them. You feel comfortable around them. You invite each other to parties. To be a friend with someone in total you need 15 points.
We have a handful of close friends. We are very comfortable with them. They are there when you need them. You know them for at least one year or so. You share your secrets with each other. To become a close friend of someone you need at least 25 points.
Besides family members most people have only one significant other, their life partner they are the most valuable people in our life. You spend most of your time with them. You have the deepest conversation. You share everything with them. You will be needing a total of 35 points to become someone’s significant other.
If you have the required points but you still can’t connect with the opposite person. It may be because of 3 mistakes:-
- Self-boasting – When you meet someone if you just talk about yourself. You won’t make any connection. You should be interested in the opposite person.
- Negative Body-Language – Our subconscious mind can understand what other people’s body language is saying, But we can’t express that in words. But still, we can feel whether the other person is interested in us or not. So try to keep positive body language. I’ll talk about some gestures you can show.
- Negative Talk – When we hear something negative our mood gets worse. And it can ruin our whole day. So we tend to avoid the people who are negative.
Out of these four Intesity is the hardest to achieve. So there are some non-verbal gestures you can use to increase the intensity.
- Flash your eyebrows – Flashing your eyebrows sends a signal that you are a non-threatening person.
- Head Tilt – Tilting your head right or left while talking exposes your neck and there are some important arteries that transport oxygen to your brain. That’s why exposing your neck indicates you trust the opposite person, which will make them trust you.
- Smile – A genuine smile can make the opposite person’s day. And smile releases endorphin in our brain which makes us like ourselves.
- Expressive Gestures – Simply when you meet someone, try to be open with your gestures. Move your hands while talking. Your openness will encourage the opposite person to open up.
- Mirroring – Mirroring simply means copying the opposite person’s body language. Mirroring makes the other person feel that he/she knows you and can trust you. Don’t copy everything otherwise you’ll appear disrespectful.
Gestures to look for
So now I’ll talk about some of the gestures you should look for to understand if the other person is interested. Before I start I want to state clearly that non-verbal is dependent on context. If someone is crossing their hand it doesn’t mean the person doesn’t wanna talk with you. Maybe they’re just feeling cold. So keep this in mind “Context is the key!”
- Tone & Speed: Speaking fast: Excited or not comfortable with the conversation. Speaking slow or low voice or Saying everything in one tone: Shy or Not interested in the conversation.
- Forming Barriers: When we don’t feel comfortable in front of anyone, subconsciously we tend to form barriers between the person and us. For example; crossing arms, crossing legs, covering torso with something, etc.
- Hair Flipping & Touching: When you’re talking with a girl if she flips or touches her hair without breaking the eye contact it means she is interested in you. But if she does the same without eye contact, it means she isn’t comfortable with you.
- Eye Movement: If someone rolls their eyes up, it means they don’t agree with what you’ve said or they think you are stupid. If someone keeps their eyes closed for more than a second or two it means they’re feeling uneasy or anxious while talking to you. During a conversation, if a person is frequently checking the watch or looking to the exit it means the person needs an escape.
- Eyebrows: Furrowing eyebrows means disapproval or anger.
- Lip Gestures: Pursing lips means disagreement. Pressing lips means hesitating to say something or hiding something.
- Lean: Leaning forward – Comfortable, Leaning backward – Uncomfortable.
So this is for today, I shared these from this awesome book “The Like Switch” by Jack Schafer. You can check out the book here.